So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
