I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
