Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
