I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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