God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
