I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
