why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
