just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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