Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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