Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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