You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
