...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
