Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
drinking out of a sandbucket again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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