Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
