So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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