I wish my penis had an off switch
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
