Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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