I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
