I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
