Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
