My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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