My underwear smells like fireworks.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
