I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
