just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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