he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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