I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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