Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
