That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
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Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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