the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize