Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
