I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
