idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
