Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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