Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
