I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just gift wrapped bread.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
