guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
