You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
