Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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