I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
