I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
