I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
