I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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