you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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