Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
