96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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