No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
