Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
