I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
