Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
