you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
