I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
