God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I want to make a zoo with you.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
