i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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