quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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