i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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