i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
