a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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