making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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